The Mirror has Two Faces

I had an epiphany a while back concerning the relationship I had with my mother and sister. It seemed to me as though their realities were built on the illusion that: I was not well. This realization come to me last fall when we were all together. Mom came up to stay with me while I had surgery. Somewhere in the wake of doing, there was a revealing moment. Almost this unconscious conspiracy in which I felt all my decisions about myself and my care were being challenged. It seemed to me, the only way both of them had any sense being well was to keep me in a state of frustrated and confused. I felt deeply hurt by actions taken, especially by my sister. I could see this as our relationship pattern and probably was the first impulse telling me to retreat, an act of self preservation. I felt, I was being continually being crushed by pounding waves. It seemed every time I was regaining some sort of balance, something came along to knock me down, disorient me, and take my breathe away. I got to the point, I didn't want to get up and try any more. Metaphorically, I would lay in the surf and hope the tide would carry me off; I'd rather have drowned in a sea of misery than get bashed by it. For years, others have recommended developing a mediation practice and even though I really want to give it a try, I always had an excuse not too. I suppose all my excuses ran out when I signed up to participate in a ten day vipassana course. After I did, I had a massive panic attack and almost bailed. Wanting things to be different and actually doing something different aren't necessarily the same thing, in fact, they're not even related.

During a vipassana course between group mediations which are silent, you listen to lectures ( or instructions as they are referred too) on tape. In the evening there is a video and it's more relaxed atmosphere. These instructions are to assist in the understanding of the practice. No matter how many course you take, the instructions are always the same. Although basic, there is always something to pick up on or to take more in depth. The practice of objectivity is highly emphasized. What does that mean exactly? Someone made a comment about me stating: I was the least objective person they knew ( or something like that). I have to say, it took me awhile to grasp what they meant, but yes I have to agree: when it comes to being objective, my inner drama queen starts yelling, off with their heads; there is no other perceptive than my own. Now, there's something my mom, my sister and me all have in common: when it comes to justifying our actions, we take it to heart. I have this image instilled in my mind from a story mom used to read to me about Br'e Rabbit... One day Br'e Rabbit got hisself stuck in a tar pit. The more he tried to fight his way out, the more stucker his got. I remember the illustration: This skinny rabbit in overalls lifting his huge back feet up only to have them dripping in tar, kinda like gum stuck to the bottom of your shoe. When I hear lectures about being attached to outcome, ideas, situations, etc, this image pops into my head. The rabbit can symbolize ignorance, the pit can be the situation, and the tar the attachment. When I put it into a context such as that, objectivity seems accessible. However, the practice of it is like getting out of a warm bed on an early winter's morning. No matter how many times you have done it, it's never going be easy.