Seeds of Frustration

At my last Vipassana sit, I had this dream: I was standing in this large pit of what seem to be some kind of an excavation project, the dirt was freshly dug and loose. Scattered around were these deep hole with piping lining the perimeter and out of the center grew these very large almost Jack and The Bean Stalk size parsley plants. They were very thick and sturdy. There's a ton of symbolism in that story. One of the philosophies taught in the practice of Vipassana ( I'm not a teacher, this is my interpertation) is we carry with us, the seeds of past experiences, and out of these seeds grows our reality i.e. if we are experiencing hardship and confusion, we are nourishing those qualities that result in hardship and confusion, you reap what you sow. The practice is to train ourselves not to react to situation but observe in a very conscience manner, be objective but compassionate, if it was only that easy. Back to the dream, growing up my mother always had parsley growing in the yard. I hated parsley. The mere mention of parsley would send me into a tirade ( there's a foot note here, however, I'm not going there). So symbolically, the excavated dirt, to me, represented the part of my conscious mind which is receptive to change and the parsley was more out of my subconscious which is holding onto deeper issues and manifesting themselves in the midst of clearing. At least they were contained.

I started working with a shaman in 2002. Since then, I have had much work done in the shamanic realm. This work is mostly done in a form referred to as journey work. The work starts off as somewhat of a counseling session. In this session, there is discussion about the issue at hand i.e. control issues with my mother. Through this process, an intension is set. In my experience, the shaman will determine the wording of the intension to assist it, as it translates into the shamanic realm ( I'm not a shaman, so I can only speculate, from my experience, what exactly "the shamanic realm" is, to me, it's a dream world using imagery more than verbal context). After the shaman returns, they will describe the journey to you and present you with gifts often acquired during the process. On this one occasion, the journey I was having done was a soul retrieval surrounding issues I was having with my mother. One of the aspects of this journey was it features a black cat. This was intriguing because the issues I was having in the Wilmont Apartments also involved, a black cat.

The cat was one of two that were abandoned by a tenant. She left them in her apartment, as well as, the apartment door off its hinges so the cats were actually roaming the building. Her attitude was one of, Amber will deal with the situation, which was the crux of most situations at the Wilmont. My job as " apartment manger" was to be, an enabler. The more I was asked to assume this roll, the more frustrated I became often with dramatic results. I often wish I could have been more creative and deviate with how I dealt with the issues that arose. However, given my personal situation, maintaining more than the bare minimum was often too overwhelming for me. The more I tried to simplify what was happening around me, the more the extent of the exploitation reveal itself; everything and everybody seemed coated in denial. My attempts to expose this, lead to accusations of being paranoid and delusional (it was driving me crazy). Mainly, I was just dumbstruck by the corruption around, and its acceptance as being, " the norm". The only explanation I can concoct to explain Dave's responses for many occasions was, his identity was so consumed in being a "nice guy" (or rather, he had the role of Catholic martyr down) that instability was his balance. Our relationship come down to: good cop, bad cop, and I was getting weary of policing. What does this have to do with a black cat? The cat began to symbolize the neglect that was so often practiced in the building. The neglect to pay rent, the neglect to clean after yourself, the neglect to be quiet after hours, neglect to be accountable, etc. I felt my presences only served as an escape goat. Likewise, the black cat in the journey could have represented the same neglect and ignorance commonly practiced in my parents house.

The reason why I participate in journey work is my belief that it promotes resolutions to problems by making shifts in this othery realm. I'm unsure how long I stayed at the Wilmont ( I was no longer the manager but did kept on there after the dismantling of the black cat in shamanic space). However, transition did occur. I moved out in spring of 2009. The process was as stressful as it was living there, my clinging to what was known seemed like a white knuckled grip. I had tremendous fear and anxiety over change. It took awhile for me to settle into my new location and my seeds of frustration did sprout up. Even though the other tenants and I seems to maintain a peaceful coexistence, my land lord is still a source of contention. The one thing I like about where I am is, I have my own door leading to the outside and am able to do a little gardening in the front. This spring, the garden looks alive with flowers. And there is even a little parsley thrown in.